The best song ever

http://youtu.be/CWrMGXwhFLk

A Psychic Change

Here's what's been happening for me recently...
I have been spending  a fair bit of time with my family.
I have done a load of step-work and am now on my amends and daily inventory.
I have an interview for a back to work course soon. 
I have been to loads of out of town meetings. 
I turned 22 which was lovely: clean and sober.
I have had a tattoo of a butterfly on my ribs to symbolise recovery.
And on Monday I am doing my first chair.
I think I am beginning to have a psychic change and it feels good! 
All my love...

5,6,7,8...

Ok so I am now officially doing the steps. I've done my 5, 6, 7 and 8 and next week I'm onto my 9: amends. I'm planning on going to the CA World Convention in the UK in May and am hopefully staying with my uncle in Brum. And I missed picking up my 30 day keyring as I was in bed with the flu =( Oh well, I've lost loads of weight lol! The sunbeds are finally working too: bring on the summer! Plus it's my birthday on the 30th =) 

The first women's CA UK convention

It was fucking amazing! I went up to London on Saturday for the first women's CA UK convention and it blew my mind! Step four still doing my nut in but shouldn't be much longer now. Love to all xxx
Ps. I've lost 9lbs!!!

Me and my big mouth

Someone said this... and those fateful 3 words: don't tell anyone. So drama as usual with peeps from the fellowship...
Anyways, I'm moving to another room as my plumbing is faulty. I haven't finished the step four stuff I'm supposed to have done. I went for a lovely tapas meal courtesy of Mr HQ. Went down Brighton peir. Wasted all my 2ps on the slot machine. Didn't go on the ride I wanted as it costed a Lady, fucking cheek of it. Being silly. Oh and I've started on diet pills and slimfast, not sure that's a good idea but there you go...

Addicted to computer games

So, computer games? I think I'm addicted to all them stupid games on Facebook and I don't care. I just wish I'd stop buying credits on my mobile as my Mum pays the bill and she is going to kill me! I see my passport money going towards paying her back, which means I might not go on holiday for another year 
=(

Prozac

Ok, so now my using is coming at me as that I'm depressed and I need Prozac. What a load of bollocks! My step four is doing my head in and I feel like throwing in the towel, but really it's just laziness. And I'm reading an amazing book called 'Call The Midwife' which is totally consuming me, but not enough that I didn't have time to eat curry with my best mate. Who, incidently, I have been told not to spend too much time with as I should be mixing with the women more. Don't see why I can't do both...
So life? Well, I've saved up for a passport so I should be holidaying soon enough =)
I've got one reply from 5 jobs I went for =(
I've discovered a wicked little mexican restaurant which I've eaten at two days in a row =) They do tacos for 2 pound 30 which is amazing!
And yeah, life could be one hell of a lot worse and I'm not smoking crack so really there's a lot to be grateful for really =)

My life story

Ok, so here goes nothing...
I was born in London, then moved to Brighton, where I had a pretty unhappy childhood: chronic tonsilitis and bullied in school, Boohoo poor me. Then I moved school at 15 and discovered party drugs. Yipee! It was great fun... And then, I left school and dropped out of college, got a job as a cleaner. I went partying one night and over did it on the enlivening drugs so I thought a bit of speed would get me through work, and it did from then on until I ended up so screwed up I ran away from work and never came back. So I started a new job. I just ate proplus and drank in my lunch break so I was alright. I started hanging around squats in my time off snorting ketamine and taking acid, and it was cool. Honest, it was. And then I lost my temper at work and stormed out as I'd done an all nighter so couldn't be reasonable. 
I ended up just hanging about the squat. Some drugs went missing off my boyfriend, and then I got caught nicking some and so was blamed for it all, well, who wouldn't blame me? So I felt sorry for myself and went on a cocaine binge. I ended up on my Mum's sofa for a week the illest I have ever been and that includes clucking off opiates. So, I was back to square one and ended up in a b'n'b for homeless people. I got two jobs. I relied on proplus and alcohol to get me through, and used other drugs most nights partying. As the partying escalated I got slacker and slacker at work, and after another all nighter I walked out of another job. It had become my pattern. 
I decided I'd had enough, went on a massive binge and ended up moving to Bristol. I started at college and stayed with an Aunt. And then I met my new fella and he and a new friend introduced me to crack cocaine and heroin. I had found the answer to all my problems. I moved into a hostel, then a flat, and even him having cancer didn't stop us battering it. In the September I went back to college and tried to get off drugs. I started drinking instead and started getting into physical fights with my boyfriend and getting arrested a lot. I broke up with the boyfriend and went on a binge. A few weeks later we got back together. My drinking stayed bad, so bad that I caused havoc and ended up running away back home to Brighton to get away with it. So, I arrived back and went mad on everything. The prison sentences began. So did the detox and rehab stuff. So did the 12-step fellowship stuff. I decided heroin was the problem, then alcohol, then valium, and then finally and most recently crack cocaine. 
During this time I made a lot of bad decisions and ended up in a few disasterous relationships with men who were for the most part much too old for me and who would a) beat me up, b) beat you up or c) both. I became nearly as addicted to attention from the opposite sex and got a reputation for being a slut. 
And then I went into treatment and learnt a lot but inevitably fucked up when I wasn't even 2 months clean and sober. So now I'm throwing myself in to this 12-step stuff and trying to get a job and all that. It's a daily battle and I am nowhere near over it. But just for today I don't have to use or drink. That's the only freedom I can hope for right now.
Somehow I've managed to maintain a couple of decent friendships and relatively good relationships with my family, I'm close to my Mum especially, despite my behaviour and I am eternally grateful that they've stuck by me even though I often don't show it. 
Thankyou. 

Step Four

So, I'm doing the twelve steps and I'm now on step four: Resentments. I haven't slept for two nights because all I can think about is resentments. Plus one of the people who is featured heavily has just moved into my building. Grreat...Oh, the diets going Ok but I lapsed today as I was invited round to someone's house for Sunday lunch lol! The crackling was the best. Can't believe this is my life without drink and drugs. Alls well at the moment, I can't believe I keep picking up when so much good stuff happens when I don't: it's nuts. 
I have a crush on someone who keeps flirting with me... Oh yeah, and tomorow me and Mr HQ are going swimming. I'll update soon. xxx

Streaky!

Ok, so I thought the sunbed hadn't worked and then I wake up all streaky! I mustn't have rubbed the gel in properly. Gonna have to go back on over the weekend. Got loads to do tomorrow. Job centre in the morning, a get back into work interview, then going down the college about hairdressing, meditation with Mr HQ then seeing my Mum to cash a cheque, then on to my CA sponsors house and to a meeting. Me and Mr HQ went for a lovely Thai meal in The Little Devil Rose tonight, I love it in there =)
Anyway, enough about all that, G'night xxx

The Handbag and Sunbed

So, I got up today and threw my step four and last can of beer out, then I went to an NA meeting at lunchtime. Then I done some fun stuff. Got THE handbag, went on the sunbed for the first time, got my highlights re-done. Oh yeah, and I've started the baby food diet. It's going well. That's it for me for now. xx

Overweight!

So, last week a girl mate saw a fella I knew and he reckoned I was overweight. Of course I was outraged: but it turns out my BMI is 27.5! I've never been over 9 stone in my life! This means a course of vigorous action: The Baby Food Diet. Nothing but raw foods, 2 muller lights and 6 jars of baby food a day, plus sugar-free teas and coffees. I need to crack this, I refuse to be the only fat crackhead I know. I want to a) get skinny and b) give up crack.

Valentine's cards?

Valentine's cards? No in a word. But that's what you get when you're address you never give out and never stay at. Ah yes, but what about the phone? Well, Ben keeps ringing me but there's a mistake...
I snogged him and I should've never and he really likes me, what do I do? Because I just don't feel the same. He's a nice bloke and I wish I did feel the same but I just don't. And I bet you thought crackheads didn't have normal problems too? 
Anyway, went for coffee with a couple of guys from CA and we had a breakfast. I had my usual double shot vanilla latte too, only they'd run out of vanilla syrup so I had to have caramel. High class problems indeed for someone who's only just stopped shoplifting meat and coffee for crack cocaine. Back at HQ now. My mate's so bored of me being online he's fallen asleep, bless him.  
I spoke to my uncle breifly on Facebook but what do I have to say to him? I walked out of rehab, success of all fucking history- ta nah!
Sweet tattoo innit: I like:

The First Time I smoked Crack

The pipe was an old inhaler with a bit of foil over the end. Steve lit it for me. The smoke snaked into my lungs and I did my best not to cough. I held it down for as long as I could and felt myself come to life. I felt beautiful, like Madonna or something. I never wanted the feeling to ever end. He looked at me and I looked lazily back at him. He was the most wonderful man in the whole world and I'd just found the answer to all lifes problems: crack cocaine. 

Insomnia part 2

I can't sleep still even though I'm tired. Hanging out at my new HQ would be ok if I didn't have to sleep on the sofa. Plus I've wasted a tenner of phone credit on games credits so I'm done for tomorow when I tell my Mum. I'll have to be honest and give her the money though... *sighs*
I think I'm getting the hang of this Avatar thing now and frankly it's a load of bollocks. It's were depressed people get together and watch cartoons getting off with one another. It's sad tbh, and yet I'm vaguelly hooked? There again I could get addicted to anything. Don't get used to me writing this many posts, mind, it won't be a regular occurance. I will try and stay committed though, as I've never really been committed to anything in years. Good night now anyway, Riostarx xxx

Avatar

Ok, so I thought it might be a bit of fun to create an Avatar. Never thought there was so much to it I just wanted to do a bit of online helpless fliriting, I ended up getting a lecture off of a twelve-year old! Reminds me of the other night, I was out chatting to a homeless friend and some kid come and asked me for business. If I was ever going to prostitute myself I certainly wouldn't want to turn myself into a paedophile in the process-mental!
So, my love life. I went on a couple of dates with an ex last week but he didn't stick up for me when it went off with another ex's new girlfriend who was trying to throttle me with a bit of glass so I dropped him right out.
Enough said on that matter.
And then there's Stacey. God, I've got a thing for her now and I don't know why. She stayed over in my room after a crack session the other night and I got all nervous cuddling up to her. And yet, she's bang at it and I'm trying to quit so we have no chance. :( Happy Valentine's day my arse!
And yes, there's Steve who I still miss like it was yesterday...

<3 HAPPY VALENTINE'S! <3

Insomnia and The Runaway Dream

Ok, so I've been asleep for days so now I'm suffering major insomnia, just as well I'm round my mates house my new HQ as he's the one with a computer, which gives me something to do whilst I get clean :) And yes I am majorly in his debt he put me up for about a week after I walked from re-hab and has helped me out ever since. So, I owe him a big fat thankyou card, but enough about him :)
Ok, so I have this far-fetched dream that I could make myself look perfect, pack a Paul's Boutique handbag with gear, buy a jar of valium, glue on some false nails, dye my hair and get on a train to, say, Manchester, and everything would somehow work out Ok. Problem is, sometimes I believe this isn't so far-fetched and I'm halfway to the train station. Only thing is I have to get my look perfect first. So, tomorow I'm gonna sort out the look and I may just not want to run away anymore. Who knows?
I ran away to Wales once and lived on a travellers sight with a bunch of hippys for two months. It was mental. And I wonder why most of the people I know think that I have mental health problems lol. xx

Valentine's Day

This is all I want for Valentine's day this year and my Mum is taking me shopping so I am gonna get one. 

She's looking after my money at the moment as I can't be trusted but that doesn't mean I can't spend 60 quid on a handbag I don't need, does it? I mean it's not like I'm buying drugs, is it? When I'm not buying drugs I have an expensive fashion habbit to keep up as it's the only thing that cheers me up. This time I'm planning on not shoplifting too, getting with the honesty. 

Four years ago on Valentine's day I was engaged to the lovely Steve and we were going to GBK for burgers and beers. It was amazing. I pinched some new lingerie specially. I'm still madly in love with him even though we split nearly three years ago. I fell in love with him and with crack cocaine on the same night and they're both as hard addictions to give up as each other. I keep longing to get on the train and run away to him, only I know I'd be bringing myself with me.   

The Beggining

So I walked out of re-hab three weeks ago not the brightest thing I ever did in my life but there you go, and after three weeks of smoking crack I ended up bored and seeking an answer. But what? I've tried 'the rooms' but I'm gonna give CA another crack of the whip, try and get a flat and a job and all that, and try and do everything a little bit differently so here goes nothing. And here is my pledge: to stop drinking and using from here-on-in with as much support as you kind people can please offer me :)