The Past
Goodbye!
Friday, 16 March 2012
5,6,7,8...
Ok so I am now officially doing the steps. I've done my 5, 6, 7 and 8 and next week I'm onto my 9: amends. I'm planning on going to the CA World Convention in the UK in May and am hopefully staying with my uncle in Brum. And I missed picking up my 30 day keyring as I was in bed with the flu =( Oh well, I've lost loads of weight lol! The sunbeds are finally working too: bring on the summer! Plus it's my birthday on the 30th =)
Monday, 27 February 2012
The first women's CA UK convention
It was fucking amazing! I went up to London on Saturday for the first women's CA UK convention and it blew my mind! Step four still doing my nut in but shouldn't be much longer now. Love to all xxx
Ps. I've lost 9lbs!!!
Ps. I've lost 9lbs!!!
Thursday, 23 February 2012
Me and my big mouth
Someone said this... and those fateful 3 words: don't tell anyone. So drama as usual with peeps from the fellowship...
Anyways, I'm moving to another room as my plumbing is faulty. I haven't finished the step four stuff I'm supposed to have done. I went for a lovely tapas meal courtesy of Mr HQ. Went down Brighton peir. Wasted all my 2ps on the slot machine. Didn't go on the ride I wanted as it costed a Lady, fucking cheek of it. Being silly. Oh and I've started on diet pills and slimfast, not sure that's a good idea but there you go...
Anyways, I'm moving to another room as my plumbing is faulty. I haven't finished the step four stuff I'm supposed to have done. I went for a lovely tapas meal courtesy of Mr HQ. Went down Brighton peir. Wasted all my 2ps on the slot machine. Didn't go on the ride I wanted as it costed a Lady, fucking cheek of it. Being silly. Oh and I've started on diet pills and slimfast, not sure that's a good idea but there you go...
Tuesday, 21 February 2012
Addicted to computer games
So, computer games? I think I'm addicted to all them stupid games on Facebook and I don't care. I just wish I'd stop buying credits on my mobile as my Mum pays the bill and she is going to kill me! I see my passport money going towards paying her back, which means I might not go on holiday for another year
=(
=(
Prozac
Ok, so now my using is coming at me as that I'm depressed and I need Prozac. What a load of bollocks! My step four is doing my head in and I feel like throwing in the towel, but really it's just laziness. And I'm reading an amazing book called 'Call The Midwife' which is totally consuming me, but not enough that I didn't have time to eat curry with my best mate. Who, incidently, I have been told not to spend too much time with as I should be mixing with the women more. Don't see why I can't do both...
So life? Well, I've saved up for a passport so I should be holidaying soon enough =)
I've got one reply from 5 jobs I went for =(
I've discovered a wicked little mexican restaurant which I've eaten at two days in a row =) They do tacos for 2 pound 30 which is amazing!
And yeah, life could be one hell of a lot worse and I'm not smoking crack so really there's a lot to be grateful for really =)
So life? Well, I've saved up for a passport so I should be holidaying soon enough =)
I've got one reply from 5 jobs I went for =(
I've discovered a wicked little mexican restaurant which I've eaten at two days in a row =) They do tacos for 2 pound 30 which is amazing!
And yeah, life could be one hell of a lot worse and I'm not smoking crack so really there's a lot to be grateful for really =)
Sunday, 19 February 2012
My life story
Ok, so here goes nothing...
I was born in London, then moved to Brighton, where I had a pretty unhappy childhood: chronic tonsilitis and bullied in school, Boohoo poor me. Then I moved school at 15 and discovered party drugs. Yipee! It was great fun... And then, I left school and dropped out of college, got a job as a cleaner. I went partying one night and over did it on the enlivening drugs so I thought a bit of speed would get me through work, and it did from then on until I ended up so screwed up I ran away from work and never came back. So I started a new job. I just ate proplus and drank in my lunch break so I was alright. I started hanging around squats in my time off snorting ketamine and taking acid, and it was cool. Honest, it was. And then I lost my temper at work and stormed out as I'd done an all nighter so couldn't be reasonable.
I ended up just hanging about the squat. Some drugs went missing off my boyfriend, and then I got caught nicking some and so was blamed for it all, well, who wouldn't blame me? So I felt sorry for myself and went on a cocaine binge. I ended up on my Mum's sofa for a week the illest I have ever been and that includes clucking off opiates. So, I was back to square one and ended up in a b'n'b for homeless people. I got two jobs. I relied on proplus and alcohol to get me through, and used other drugs most nights partying. As the partying escalated I got slacker and slacker at work, and after another all nighter I walked out of another job. It had become my pattern.
I decided I'd had enough, went on a massive binge and ended up moving to Bristol. I started at college and stayed with an Aunt. And then I met my new fella and he and a new friend introduced me to crack cocaine and heroin. I had found the answer to all my problems. I moved into a hostel, then a flat, and even him having cancer didn't stop us battering it. In the September I went back to college and tried to get off drugs. I started drinking instead and started getting into physical fights with my boyfriend and getting arrested a lot. I broke up with the boyfriend and went on a binge. A few weeks later we got back together. My drinking stayed bad, so bad that I caused havoc and ended up running away back home to Brighton to get away with it. So, I arrived back and went mad on everything. The prison sentences began. So did the detox and rehab stuff. So did the 12-step fellowship stuff. I decided heroin was the problem, then alcohol, then valium, and then finally and most recently crack cocaine.
During this time I made a lot of bad decisions and ended up in a few disasterous relationships with men who were for the most part much too old for me and who would a) beat me up, b) beat you up or c) both. I became nearly as addicted to attention from the opposite sex and got a reputation for being a slut.
And then I went into treatment and learnt a lot but inevitably fucked up when I wasn't even 2 months clean and sober. So now I'm throwing myself in to this 12-step stuff and trying to get a job and all that. It's a daily battle and I am nowhere near over it. But just for today I don't have to use or drink. That's the only freedom I can hope for right now.
Somehow I've managed to maintain a couple of decent friendships and relatively good relationships with my family, I'm close to my Mum especially, despite my behaviour and I am eternally grateful that they've stuck by me even though I often don't show it.
Thankyou.
I was born in London, then moved to Brighton, where I had a pretty unhappy childhood: chronic tonsilitis and bullied in school, Boohoo poor me. Then I moved school at 15 and discovered party drugs. Yipee! It was great fun... And then, I left school and dropped out of college, got a job as a cleaner. I went partying one night and over did it on the enlivening drugs so I thought a bit of speed would get me through work, and it did from then on until I ended up so screwed up I ran away from work and never came back. So I started a new job. I just ate proplus and drank in my lunch break so I was alright. I started hanging around squats in my time off snorting ketamine and taking acid, and it was cool. Honest, it was. And then I lost my temper at work and stormed out as I'd done an all nighter so couldn't be reasonable.
I ended up just hanging about the squat. Some drugs went missing off my boyfriend, and then I got caught nicking some and so was blamed for it all, well, who wouldn't blame me? So I felt sorry for myself and went on a cocaine binge. I ended up on my Mum's sofa for a week the illest I have ever been and that includes clucking off opiates. So, I was back to square one and ended up in a b'n'b for homeless people. I got two jobs. I relied on proplus and alcohol to get me through, and used other drugs most nights partying. As the partying escalated I got slacker and slacker at work, and after another all nighter I walked out of another job. It had become my pattern.
I decided I'd had enough, went on a massive binge and ended up moving to Bristol. I started at college and stayed with an Aunt. And then I met my new fella and he and a new friend introduced me to crack cocaine and heroin. I had found the answer to all my problems. I moved into a hostel, then a flat, and even him having cancer didn't stop us battering it. In the September I went back to college and tried to get off drugs. I started drinking instead and started getting into physical fights with my boyfriend and getting arrested a lot. I broke up with the boyfriend and went on a binge. A few weeks later we got back together. My drinking stayed bad, so bad that I caused havoc and ended up running away back home to Brighton to get away with it. So, I arrived back and went mad on everything. The prison sentences began. So did the detox and rehab stuff. So did the 12-step fellowship stuff. I decided heroin was the problem, then alcohol, then valium, and then finally and most recently crack cocaine.
During this time I made a lot of bad decisions and ended up in a few disasterous relationships with men who were for the most part much too old for me and who would a) beat me up, b) beat you up or c) both. I became nearly as addicted to attention from the opposite sex and got a reputation for being a slut.
And then I went into treatment and learnt a lot but inevitably fucked up when I wasn't even 2 months clean and sober. So now I'm throwing myself in to this 12-step stuff and trying to get a job and all that. It's a daily battle and I am nowhere near over it. But just for today I don't have to use or drink. That's the only freedom I can hope for right now.
Somehow I've managed to maintain a couple of decent friendships and relatively good relationships with my family, I'm close to my Mum especially, despite my behaviour and I am eternally grateful that they've stuck by me even though I often don't show it.
Thankyou.
Step Four
So, I'm doing the twelve steps and I'm now on step four: Resentments. I haven't slept for two nights because all I can think about is resentments. Plus one of the people who is featured heavily has just moved into my building. Grreat...Oh, the diets going Ok but I lapsed today as I was invited round to someone's house for Sunday lunch lol! The crackling was the best. Can't believe this is my life without drink and drugs. Alls well at the moment, I can't believe I keep picking up when so much good stuff happens when I don't: it's nuts.
I have a crush on someone who keeps flirting with me... Oh yeah, and tomorow me and Mr HQ are going swimming. I'll update soon. xxx
I have a crush on someone who keeps flirting with me... Oh yeah, and tomorow me and Mr HQ are going swimming. I'll update soon. xxx
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